


Hiraeth Burning

by rainbeep



Category: Helix Waltz (Video Game)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Compliant World Building, F/M, Memory Alteration, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, Past Relationship(s), Work In Progress, because i am a COWARD, canon-compliant AU, force-feeding canon characters backstories? OF COURSE, hopefully lol, rated for Shadow's potty mouth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23902774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbeep/pseuds/rainbeep
Summary: "If she was so important," Xavier said, "then why don't I remember her?""Because you can't, Xavier.""... why can't I?""Because I haven't let you."Xavier doesn't recall the slum fire, or his own childhood, until he catches the eye of the newest arrival in Finsel's upper crust. But she remembers him.Contains mentions of arson and violence.
Relationships: Magda Ellenstein/Xavier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

“Incoming, boy.”

Not for the first time was Xavier grateful for his soul companion. Pulling himself from whatever train of thought he had boarded, the mage straightened his posture, exhaling a long breath. So rarely did events like these hold his attention; not the spinning gowns he had enchanted, nor the lackluster spirits that were being enjoyed. Without his mentor to conspire with, they were only good for presentation and for Shadow’s commentary.

He made eye contact with the woman that sought him out, copper meeting watery blue. He watched a smile bloom on her lips, cheeks rosy with too much blusher - and, for a moment, nostalgia wafted into his mind.

She was familiar in a way that wasn’t from simply visiting the Spiral Spire; which she had. The mage would recognize his own work from across a ballroom floor, the licks of unnatural glitter on bodices and semi-precious stones charged with energy. One such gem looped around her neck, settling against her breastbone. So she  _ had _ visited recently. The knowledge didn’t waver his uncertainty, however, the thought of being unable to find her within his own memory eating away at his focus.

“Please,” Black Shadow scoffed. He surfaced once more from his thoughts: she had approached fully, cropped locks curling around her collar and a jade dress hanging from her shoulders. The blonde’s attention darted to the demonic figure at his side. Shadow had forgone his usual skull-like casing, a formless black cloud that hung around Xavier’s being like an animal on a leash. “What is there to  _ remember _ about that washing board?”

Not for the first time was he regretful of his soul companion. Xavier choked on his tongue, listening to Shadow cackle as the blonde woman blushed in earnest under the pigment on her face.

“I - … I apologize for him, Lady…?”

“Magdalena Ellenstein,” she supplied, smoothing down the front of her dress in a show of nerves, before bowing. “And - you are Sir Xavier Zewell, if I’m not mistaken?”

His pause, amber eyebrows knitting, caused her to recoil. Lady Ellenstein stumbled over her words in a way that entirely removed her aura of poise, and Black Shadow’s hum beside him said he was quite aware of Xavier’s interest.

“Yes,” he spoke. “But how -”

“I must’ve overheard,” she interrupted nervously, her words stepping on the heels of his own. “After all, there aren’t many people with the title of ‘top mage’ in Finsel, are there?”

“Well - … no. But don’t allow Lou to overhear you.”

The small, coy smile that came to her lips seemed to spur the growth of his own. Blue irises meeting pumpkin as a beat of comfortable quiet filled the space between them. As life tended to be with a shadow constantly over his shoulder, however, it was quickly overtaken by the demon’s own gaze. The cloud of smoke floated over to the woman, encircling her shoulders and collar, his eyeless gaze lingering a moment too long and forcing the mage to pull at him subconsciously.

“Don’t be rude, boy,” Black Shadow spoke, yanking back at his tether. The navy spirit swirled around her, before stopping next to her shoulder. “Since  _ Sir Zewell _ won’t introduce me, I’ll do it myself. Demon King Black Shadow, pleasure to make your acquaintance,  _ washboard _ .”

“Shadow -”

Her hand clapped against the collar of her dress, pressing the fabric against her sternum as a red wash crept up her neck. Xavier thought he had lost her entirely, turned off from even speaking to him after that introduction. Then her lips quivered - was she going to  _ cry _ ?

The mage’s heart dropped, struggling to pull Shadow back as the demon fought to maintain his freedom.

They both became still as she spoke.

“The pleasure is mine, sir Shadow.”

Her wobbling mouth had broken into a smile, biting her lower lip to contain her amusement. The hoarse noise of Black Shadow cackling was nearly muted by her expression, Xavier ensnared by his own mind with just a glance.

_ Flour-sack dresses. Long, straw-colored hair. Eyes as round as the moon in the sky and twice as lovely, pinned on the slow-moving beetle that clambered up the wooden eaves. _

_ “Where do you think they’re going?” She asked, crouching next to him. Her voice tasted like nostalgia. Like hot bread stolen from the bakery and mildewing horse bedding. _

_ “Home,” he replied. _

_ “I wish I could go home.” _

_ “... me, too.” _

“Oh, miss Ellenstein,” Shadow spoke, swirling around her once more now that the mage was too preoccupied to control him, “I think we’ll get along just  _ fine _ .”

Magdalena smiled, a proper one, rehearsed and polite. The entity smelled of soot and smoke, like the aftermaths of a funeral pyre, and it strained the easiness that once enveloped their introduction. She waved her hand, as if gesturing him away, before bowing at the man ahead of her.

“I think I might go for some fresh air,” she said, flushed, “but I am pleased to meet you again. Perhaps our paths will remain intertwined this time, sir Xavier. I would love to catch up with you one day soon.”

“Catch up?” Said Xavier, the same moment that Shadow piped up:

“Oh,  _ sweet _ , we’ll look forward to being intertwined.”

In an uncharacteristic show of bafflement, the mage’s mouth opened, closed, a strangled sound escaping. Before much more could be said, the demon cackled, his ghostly form diving into the collar of Xavier’s dress shirt. 

“Wait,” he stammered, urgency in his tone. “Anna -”

But she had already turned away, her hand still waving in front of her face as she escaped, batting the smell of fire and destruction from her being. The back of her neck and shoulders were pink, and for an instant, he hoped he hadn’t embarrassed her too greatly.

“...  _ Anna _ ?”

Why had he misspoken so easily? Why had the name felt so -  _ natural _ on his tongue, despite having no recollection of ever speaking it before? He had just made her acquaintance. Speaking wrongly wasn’t something he  _ did _ , let alone after a first meeting, but this - …

It felt normal. Routine. Comforting, in the same way cinnamon reminded him of Lou, in the same way the spines of old texts felt. Familiar and homey and safe.

Black Shadow felt still, the normal buzz of activity directly under the mage's skin slowing to a halt. Xavier licked his lips, gaze flitting about until it landed on an opened set of French doors.

Maybe it was time for him to take his leave. People rarely noticed his coming or going; the mage wasn't in a position of power, after all, nor was he sought after company, with the mouthy demon leashed to his being. The mouthy demon who had chosen silence after he called the Ellenstein heiress the wrong name.

"Shadow." Xavier knew his voice was heard, no matter how softly he spoke. He nodded at a passing Sakan, stepping out through the doors leading to the property's gardens and stables. But his companion was nowhere to be felt, so uncharacteristically small in the space he normally spilled out of.

"Shadow. What was that about?" He thought it was a rhetorical question, speaking aloud just to get something in reply. The night air was crisp and cool, refreshing in stark comparison to the humid ballroom he had been in previously. With little preamble, he stepped past the gardens, orienting himself toward the direction of the Spire. It was not a lengthy walk, and he didn't fancy being overheard in a carriage.

"Well, boy." Finally. His other half seemed to uncoil, but the mage didn't miss the hint of cautiousness in his raspy voice. "Perhaps she reminded you of someone."

Xavier stepped down the stone walkway, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets. Remind him of someone? Of who, exactly? The only women he had contact with were Lou and the Spire visitors. Lou looked nothing like Lena, for one, and he knew so very little about those who came to have their gowns enchanted that he doubted any of their names would stick out to him.

And, yet, the heavy burden of not knowing the reason rested on his shoulders, tightening them as he strode home. Shadow had not shown himself their entire walk, staying under the man's collar.

"Nothing rings a  _ bell _ , Zewell? Dig deeper, perhaps."

Instead of questioning him, he did. He dug, shuffling through his memories and reshelving them like books. No one named Anna stuck out. Nothing did, except the smear of recollection from earlier, the little girl and the beetle she was observing.

"If she was so important," he said, "then why don't I remember her?"

"Because you can't, Xavier."

His eyebrows furrowed, at the friendly use of his name and the three words preceding. There was nothing spoken as he approached the Spire; there were no words exchanged as he unlocked his quarters, unbuttoning his coat and hanging over the back of his desk chair.

And then, finally, spoken in the same way a man crosses a frozen pond:

"... why can't I?"

"Because I haven't let you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His voice roared in the same way a bonfire did, his childhood fear and adult fury mixing as the matchstick boomed. There was no time for any of the boys to scramble away as Xavier’s magic sprung to action, making a wall of flames in his defense. In moments, the dry wood of the surrounding buildings began to come alight.

“I don’t … I don’t understand, Shadow.”

Xavier took a seat at his desk, feeling the demon unfurl from his being. If the formless creature could pace, it would be, swirling back and forth across the mage’s bedroom as he went to speak.

“When you agreed to the contract,” he began, the demon’s voice sounding as if he were dragging it across the brick interior of his den, “you …  _ lent _ your body to me, boy. To temper your abilities and teach you to use them. Do you remember?”

“Of course,” Xavier said slowly, mulling over Shadow’s words. “Why wouldn’t I?”

The demon’s silence … it twisted the mage’s stomach in a way few things did, bundling up his anxiety until it rested in his throat. He hesitated, moments of pause stale in the air between his being and the smoke entity seemingly pacing. Tendrils of fog seeped behind him and hung, stagnant, only the wisp following back to Xavier’s person telling of their leashed beings.

“How much  _ do _ you remember before that, Xavier?”

“What - …”

All of a sudden, he was toeing the edge of his consciousness, trying to delve into his past but merely feeling as if he were hitting a boundary. As if he were peering over the edge of a cliff into  _ nothing, _ nothing but bleak blackness, a shade inhuman. The sky was black at night; this -

This was not a color but a  _ lack _ of  _ everything _ , a sheet of glass fogged by soot and smoke on the other side.

And, like that, he knew. Xavier licked his lips, unease and panic beginning to taste metallic on his tongue.

“...What did you do?  _ Khaimo Jin _ \- “

“What did  _ I _ do? Don’t speak my true name, boy. This is about what  _ you _ did.”

The glass cracked, a thunderous noise similar to shattering ice, his blood running cold in his veins. Xavier’s words weighed heavy in his throat, ash and smoke beginning to flood his mind’s eye through the fracture.

“What - “ he attempted, coughing to clear his throat of the taste, firewood and burnt hair. “What did I do? I can’t - … remember.”

“You  _ can _ ,” the demon spoke, sounding as if he were crawling up the back of Xavier’s neck, ebbing into his mind as if to overcrowd the mage. “But you  _ don’t _ . Here, let me give you a push.”

And he did. For a moment, a ghostly hand was felt on the back of his consciousness, shoving him against the glass until it cracked and shattered entirely. 

He was no longer in his dwelling, but tripped into the slums, almost ten years past. His mind flooded with the scent of musty hay and the feeling of gravel under his hands, scrambling to regain his footing. For several moments, the noise of the bustling merchants and children playing overtook him, and Xavier thought that Black Shadow was showing him an illusion.

What was the point of this excursion? Why had the demon pulled him into such a ploy? He took one step, and then another. Absently, he began heading toward the sound of a struggle.

“ --  _ Leave me alone _ !”

“You witch. They should have burnt you with those spellbooks.”

“I’m not -  _ stop it _ !”

Sweat prickled at the man’s neck, following the source of the voice until it led him to a slim space between two buildings.

Oh, Goddess.

He  _ remembered _ . He remembered the same sense of panic, scalp stinging as a larger boy yanked him by his hair into the shadows of the dead-end alleyway.

Before he could even move, a third child, taller than both his younger self and the instigator, came running into the alleyway. His younger self struggled, shoved back into the dirt by the grasp on his head.

“It’s not too late to do it now,” they said. The newcomer dug through his pockets.

“Black Shadow,” the adult Xavier spoke, voice shaking as a book of matches flashed in the child’s hands. “Take me back.”

Xavier called the demon’s name again. But no one came.

No one would, he knew, swallowing thickly. The match was struck; a handful of his hair being yanked toward the dancing flame.

“ _ No! _ ”

His voice roared in the same way a bonfire did, his childhood fear and adult fury mixing as the matchstick boomed. There was no time for any of the boys to scramble away as Xavier’s magic sprung to action, making a wall of flames in his defense. In moments, the dry wood of the surrounding buildings began to come alight.

“You get it now, boy?” Shadow spoke. If he had been more aware, the mage would have noticed the demon’s voice was different. Almost as if seeing it hurt him, too. “This was what you gave to me when you signed the contract. Your memories.”

He heard yelling. He saw himself, ten years past, cheeks streaked with tears as he huddled in the back of the alleyway, the two boys fleeing from the scene and calling for their parents. The fire continued to spread, the outburst of magic too strong for the child to ever think of trying to suffocate the blaze.

“Take me back,” Xavier whispered. He inhaled one breath of soot and smoke before it clouded his vision, and then he was suddenly in his home. In the Spire. He sank to his knees, covering his face with his hands. Before he knew it, the sound of his own wheezing filled the room.

“Lou took you in after you came to the Spire to learn. You ended up in the restricted section, trying to find something to  _ kill _ your abilities,” Shadow scoffed, swirling around the man whose soul space he shared. He slowed, fog looming around Xavier’s being. “You opened  _ my _ book. The tome I had been trapped in for centuries.”

“You - … asked what I wanted,” the mage recalled. “In exchange for harboring your spirit.”

“And you told me - “ a cackle, the sound sour. “You said I share your power so long as I taught you to use it properly.  _ Imagine _ , boy. A body to share  _ and _ your magic? Perhaps I had been too eager for freedom. I took the offer, and when I explored your soul …  _ that _ was what I found.”

Then Black Shadow spoke words Xavier had never expected to hear, tears slipping from his eyes.

“It wasn’t your fault, boy.”

He wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is where my pre-written parts end! I'm uncertain of if - or when - this will be added to. Thank you for reading <3


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